Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
My trip to Cape Cod. The Electric Booze Cruise.
During my senior year of college at NEIT my close friend Hearse informed me that he would be venturing down to his parents summer house on Cape Cod for a weekend of drinking and debauchery. Being the big dumb idiot I am, (and feeling like Bluto from Animal House) I yelled out an awesome! I later found out that week that I would be accompanied by Hearse’s family members, step-brothers/sisters, and some friends I will now never forget. Here is the series of events, in chronological order, to the best of my knowledge:
Friday afternoon, Hearse (known for the black on black on black on death Dodge Magnum he drives) shows up with BigBalls (known because he has quite possibly the largest scrotum in the world) and abduct me from my shitty-roommate infested apartment. We go out to Smokey Bones (known for their pulled pork sandwiches, and bar-b-que sauce), and proceed to fill ourselves with mashed potatoes, pork, chicken, and alcohol. The trip to Cape Cod should last no more than 45-50 minutes, but Hearse drives like a fucking maniac, so we’re gonna make good time. Reminder, this was labor day weekend and if you’ve ever been to Cape Cod during that time, getting there and leaving is a nightmare.
We gather all forms of liquid we can at a mobil-mart near the Smokey’s and head towards Cape Cod, leaving shitty Providence via the I-195 to 95 exit. Hearse driving like he’s timing for pole-position racing, I proceed to pass out in the rear of the vehicle. I awake only minutes later to hear BigBalls playing his PSP and bragging about how his girlfriend bought it for him. Pissed off, I start playing with the GPS function on my laptop. I wish my girlfriend would buy me electronics.
NOTE: Hearse would like me to point out that on our way to Cape Cod from RT 195 to 25 somewhere in bumfuck we noticed a huge backup of vehicles and lots of firetrucks. We got the video camera ready to film a 1970’s era Winnebago that had inevitably overheated and caught fire. We were almost run over by a Bourne (yes its a town there) Fire Dept brush clearing vehicle (imagine a monster truck with a giant cow cutter guard on the front). We videotaped the hilarity as the 14 person family was all standing on the side of the road looking like idiots.
We arrive on Cape Cod, and immediately Hearse yells out ‘Theres a liquor store!’ It was as if his car was a divining rod for alcohol, forget the potatoe famine, this Norwegian was after one thing, SVEDKA. Of course the hick ass liquor store has all the cheap ass, popular vodkas. No SVEDKA in site, we leave, Hearse mumbling to himself. Next stop is a larger, much classier liquor store further into the cape, next to a grocery store. As I found out, under Massachusetts law, you cannot purchase alcohol in grocery stores, so your best bet is finding it in the liquor stores positioned perfectly next to them; all residents in Mass are either alcoholics, or recovering. We buy a few handles of SVEDKA, and for some reason I purchased a liter of SKYY (yes, I am a pussy). Some mixers at the store, and some limes later, we’re finally on our way to the house.
Finally, at 3PM (3 hours after leaving Providence) we arrive at the house. It’s a typical Cape Cod house, modest, 2 car garage, stone driveway, stupid mailbox out front. We start to pre-game with a few glasses after setting up out laptops (no internet connected to the wireless in the house, fuck you). The inside of the house is even nicer, huge hardwood floors, great view of a private pond out back, tons of living space. Already 2 glasses into the afternoon, Hearse and I decide to investigate the property and see what we can break. Around back we find a ride-on-lawnmower and a golf cart which will be dubbed ‘The Electric Booze Cruise’ already juiced up a bit. Excited as much as 5 year olds on Christmas morning we hop into it tearing up the hill and down the street, neighbors staring at us as we’re holding glasses of vodka tonics. I felt like king high shit cruising in that piece of shit electric golf cart.
That evening lightens up as the rest of the Hearse family arrives, step-father in tow. Now, a bit of background information on the step father, whom I have always known to be quite the drinker. Case in point a time when visiting the Hearse household I observed said step-father in a bathrobe and pajama pants, eating pistachios and drinking wine on a large comfy sofa. Ten minutes later, the man was passed out, shitbaked and snoring on the same couch, still holding nuts in his hand. As I walk by, he wakes up and continues feasting on his shelled treasures as if nothing happened. Overall really nice guy, doesnt seem to be the type that would ever get angry.
We all start drinking, with step-father joining us. I can’t remember if he was drinking vodka tonics with us, or if he started at wine and advanced to tonics. But after an hour or so this was the conversation:
Step-Dad: (to son) Jordy, If you don’t take that fucking chicken home, I’m going to cut its fucking head off.
Jordy: (referring wooden chicken) Uh, mom won’t want it.
Step-Dad: THATS IT!
At this point, the guy grabs this wooden chicken figure, slams it onto a cutting board, and proceeds to hack away at it with a serrated cutting knife. No, not a steak knife, and not cutting like a steak, this guy was swinging a 12 inch serrated blade at this wooden chicken like he was chopping wood for the winter. What a fucking freak, everyone is in hysterics, his conservative daughter is freaking out that he’s had too much to drink. Step-Dad of the year then continues his quest to black out before the night is over by polishing off a bottle of scotch and saying ‘I dont even like scotch’ GULP ‘why am i drinking this?!’ GULP ‘where is my wine?’ GULP. It was only after this point that I realized I was not drunk enough to laugh. He attempted to place his martini glass full of scotch (dont ask) onto the counter, when he drops it onto the floor, smashing it and exclaims ‘I’ll clean it up! Just watch, here!’ His weapon of choice was none other than a piece of craft store driftwood, that was obviously a decorative piece in the kitchen decor.
Hearse cant breathe, he’s laughing so hard he’s crying. He goes to grab his videocamera to witness the comedy unfold. BigBalls is standing at the edge of the kitchen, trying to point step-dad in the right direction for cleaning up the vodka mess. Daughter of the year is still freaking out, cleaning up for her father and yelling at all of us ‘SEE HE’S HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK, GROW UP’, other various members of the family still laughing because this is the funniest I believe they have ever seen their father. All alcohol in the house was hidden for hours after that and Step-Dad was immediately put to bed by his daughter. What an irony.
Furious, Hearse, Jordy and I head outside to find out chariot for drinking pleasure. Hearse gets in and slams it in reverse, removing it from its garage covering under the patio he attempts to make a 3, or 15 point turn to make it back up the hill. At this point I don’t know if it was the alcohol, or the shouting that made him lose his concentration, but Hearse.. oblivious to his surroundings forgot to somehow put the golf cart in D (for drive) and immediately backed down a side hill into a 10 foot drop of wooded area. Unaware of the severity in the situation, I am laughing my ass off that my inebriated friend just backed a golf cart out of my sight and into the depths of darkness of night. The situation only gets better when he yells out, ‘There’s prickers down here!!!’
Hearse had lost the golf cart into a pile of landfill which was surrounded by some sort of native prickly bush. We all race over to view the hilarity that just unfolded. At some point later after laughing my ass off and getting the video camera, the troop of Hearse, Jordy, Jordy’s friend, and BigBalls decide that they (inebriated) can move the golf cart from the ditch. With Hearse driving the gas pedal and the 1-2-3-GO motivation they managed to push the electic booze cruise 5 inches up the hill, and inevitably cover themselves in nasty, smelly compost. Hearse, now smelling of rotting trash and feeces decides that they can tie a garden hose onto the front of the cart to help yank it out of the hole. This attempt works for about 5 minutes, until they shread the 50ft garden hose several times. I think that was the point when they gave up getting the golf cart out of the ditch.
The next morning we awoke to Step-Dad feeling great, chipper, and not knowing anything of the previous evening. We explain to him what happened the night before, he laughs and we show him the golf cart trench. The morning light sheds an easier task for the removal team. Still comprised of the same individuals, they are none the wiser to their surroundings of compost and mud, all holding the golf cart down. Now armed with shovels (and me with the video camera) they remove the cart from its holding in less than 5 minutes. I guess it goes to show what can be achieved with some sobriety. What a fucking concept.
The rest of the weekend was pretty uneventfull, except for my clothes being covered in ticks, and almost flipping the piece of shit aluminum boat with 2 trolling motors (yes, stereo power!), and I may highlight that I saw the pre-impregnated Cavalier and her shitty shitty car. The ending of that weekend could only be completed by a few rounds of beers, some magic-upped onion rings, and some pulled pork and chicken platters at Smokey Bones back in providence.
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