Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
question?
Have you ever wondered what you were doing with your life? I have. I work everyday where I have little or no interaction with anyone, sitting in my office with my headphones on, until its time to go home. I go home to play video games, or watch television, go to sleep, wake up and repeat the process. I rarely go out to do anything with friends, truth is I don’t have any outside of my co-workers. I went to the movies alone 2 weeks ago to see Hitman as a birthday gift to myself.
I am really lonely. I have not dated in over 2 years, and have not had anything I would consider a meaningful, stimulating relationship in about as long. I posted on craigslist and received 2 responses from girls in the area. I met one of them, and things didn’t turn out well. The other I am somewhat indifferent about as of lately, so far I have only really talked to her through voice mails and text messages/AIM conversations. She seems to have a great personality, I am just afraid of meeting her.
I am talking to one of my ex’s, I have broken down and told her how much I miss her. The feelings are coming from thinking of times spent with her in the past, and that she seems to be the only one I feel comfortable talking to. She of course lives in Boston, and to the best of my knowledge has no plans of coming to LA even to visit. I could never ask her to move here, even if she wanted to. I am unsure of why I talk to her, because I know its just going to hurt me. Its going to make me think of her, and miss her. I don’t think I have attachment issues, just tired of being lonely and of course run to what I know.
I am also somewhat involved in talking with someone I’ve never met, that I will probably never meet, and probably considers me nothing more than someone to share conversation with. I share only a few things in common with her, and for awhile things seemed to be pleasant. It was nice, having conversations with her on the phone, sharing feelings, thoughts, and laughs. I think sometimes she takes the things I say to literally, and that will lead us to an argument or fight, when I notice it to be very childish she will become upset at me. I wonder at times if she just enjoys my attention and affection to her, and has no intentions of reciprocating. What is it I am looking for? Why do I thrive on relationships that I know will fall apart? It is almost that I set myself up for frustration and loneliness.
Things with work are the same as they have always been, steady paced and complacent. Last night was the first night of Hanukkah 2007, which of course I slept through. I need to find an outlet for something, I need to meet new people. I wonder sometimes why I am so afraid of going out, meeting people. I am afraid that they will see me how I see myself lately.
December 5th, 2007 at 5:06 pm
Beth said:
Seeing as though you slept through Hanukkah, here’s what you missed:
Baruch ata Adonai Eloheynu Melech Ha-olam asher kid’shanu bemitzvotav vitzivanu l’hadlik ner shel Hannukah.
Baruch ata Adonai Eloheynu Melech Ha-olam
Sh’asa nissim lavoteynu bayamim hahem bazman hazeh.
Baruch ata Adonai Eloheynu Melech Ha-olam, sheheheyanu vikiamanu vihigianu lazman hazeh.
[phew!]
Happy Hanukkah buddy! Hang the fuck in there, will ya? (c:
December 9th, 2007 at 8:34 pm
The girl from paragraph four said:
I don’t know if you’ll read this, or even if you do, that you’ll respond to it. You obviously have no intention of speaking to me directly about any of this, and for that I am both saddened and frustrated. I am sad that you don’t seem to want to trust me, or speak to me about anything serious, that you seem to feel a need for ignoring issues that may be bothering either of us, or both of us. That I’m taking the time to write this out should be more than a slight indicator that I want to be your friend. What I don’t understand is why you feel the need to push me out, or pretend that words were never exchanged that should be elaborated on. I ask you what’s wrong, or to explain something, and what I get is that you “don’t want to fight, fighting is stupid.” What I didn’t realize was that explaining how you feel or think involved fighting of any sort. Haven’t you ever just agreed to disagree on points? Isn’t it more important to have a firm understanding of where you stand on something, or where the other person stands?
I’m tired of pushing against what feels like a brick wall. I offer you outlet after outlet to tell me how you feel and how you’ve reacted to things that I’ve said. I’ve given you examples, by talking to you about how your blog post made me feel, amongst other things. But then you never answered me. I told you that I’d really like to talk to you about all of these things one day, but I was kind of hoping it’d be sooner rather than later. Sometimes it just feels like you want to ignore anything that you can’t control or that you’re not comfortable with. I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable, but sometimes we have to push those boundaries of what we’re used to, or else we’ll be locking ourselves in.
I’d like to hope that one day (in the near future hopefully) that you’ll come to understand how I see things. I am not asking you to accept the way I think or feel or to adopt any of my ideals. All I’m asking is that you try to see things from a different perspective, rather than rejecting anything that you don’t agree with or maybe don’t fully understand.
There are unresolved issues, whether you want to admit it or not. Maybe not for you, but for me, and for what I feel was/is whatever friendship we might have/have had.