Archive for December, 2007
Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
question?
Have you ever wondered what you were doing with your life? I have. I work everyday where I have little or no interaction with anyone, sitting in my office with my headphones on, until its time to go home. I go home to play video games, or watch television, go to sleep, wake up and repeat the process. I rarely go out to do anything with friends, truth is I don’t have any outside of my co-workers. I went to the movies alone 2 weeks ago to see Hitman as a birthday gift to myself.
I am really lonely. I have not dated in over 2 years, and have not had anything I would consider a meaningful, stimulating relationship in about as long. I posted on craigslist and received 2 responses from girls in the area. I met one of them, and things didn’t turn out well. The other I am somewhat indifferent about as of lately, so far I have only really talked to her through voice mails and text messages/AIM conversations. She seems to have a great personality, I am just afraid of meeting her.
I am talking to one of my ex’s, I have broken down and told her how much I miss her. The feelings are coming from thinking of times spent with her in the past, and that she seems to be the only one I feel comfortable talking to. She of course lives in Boston, and to the best of my knowledge has no plans of coming to LA even to visit. I could never ask her to move here, even if she wanted to. I am unsure of why I talk to her, because I know its just going to hurt me. Its going to make me think of her, and miss her. I don’t think I have attachment issues, just tired of being lonely and of course run to what I know.
I am also somewhat involved in talking with someone I’ve never met, that I will probably never meet, and probably considers me nothing more than someone to share conversation with. I share only a few things in common with her, and for awhile things seemed to be pleasant. It was nice, having conversations with her on the phone, sharing feelings, thoughts, and laughs. I think sometimes she takes the things I say to literally, and that will lead us to an argument or fight, when I notice it to be very childish she will become upset at me. I wonder at times if she just enjoys my attention and affection to her, and has no intentions of reciprocating. What is it I am looking for? Why do I thrive on relationships that I know will fall apart? It is almost that I set myself up for frustration and loneliness.
Things with work are the same as they have always been, steady paced and complacent. Last night was the first night of Hanukkah 2007, which of course I slept through. I need to find an outlet for something, I need to meet new people. I wonder sometimes why I am so afraid of going out, meeting people. I am afraid that they will see me how I see myself lately.